Note: The following post is based upon a whimsical idea I received while listening to Andrea Bocelli’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” yesterday and attempts to imitate the Babylon Bee‘s articles. It is not the post at which I hinted in “Media and Mistletoe”. Also, Jack Ryan is the famed CIA agent in Tom Clancy’s novels. He is not in reality the head of the Central Intelligence Agency—though who says he shouldn’t be?
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a shocking study put out by the Central Intelligence Agency today, CIA head Jack Ryan exposed Santa Claus’ true identity—the “Big Brother” Orwell so often wrote about in the dystopia 1984.
“Most people already realize that Orwell’s world of telescreens, thought police, and hidden microphones is imminent, if not already here,” said Ryan. “What they don’t often think about, however, is that the true Big Brother is even more familiar to them than all the technology. And as we’ve worked with the FBI to discover the identity of Big Brother, we’ve found that the Big Brother on all the posters and clothes and toys in 1984 is not a big, muscular Stalin but a jolly old Saint Nick.
“First of all, you have to look at the founding documents. Americanism was exactly what was about to disappear in Orwell’s days of Communism, and if you think about it, Santa Claus works directly against American ideals. Though the Founding Fathers were not aware of Santa’s existence, the Declaration of Independence, the Federalist Papers, and even the Constitution support this hypothesis. I think Santa’s most obvious offense against America, though, is best revealed by Amendment IV of the Bill of Rights:
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
“What could be more anti-American than willful intrusion in the name of ‘good’? What is ‘good’ to Santa, save for what is ‘good’ only in his eyes? Cookies? A place to park his reindeer? A higher employment rate for himself and his elves? Some people might bring up the ‘fact’ that he helps parents steer clear of blame when coal appears in their kids’ stockings, but doesn’t that only make him just, make him the code of morality? Isn’t that the party’s philosophy in 1984, that they define morality because man can’t think for himself?
“And not only that, but Santa’s even been so crafty as to insert his propaganda into the mouths of children without their realizing it! His evil genius exposes his crimes while at the same time giving his wrongdoing the name of good. I mean, think how frightening the lyrics of ‘Santa Claus Is Coming to Town’ really are:
He sees you when you’re sleeping,
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows if you’ve been bad or good,
So be good for goodness’ sake!
“If what Santa parades around as good is good only for himself, then he really has no right to invade children’s minds and actions every single day of their lives! We never know by name who was behind those telescreens in 1984, but if you look at those lyrics, you can certainly imagine a certain ‘grandfatherly’ figure watching everyone and hearing everything they say to regulate the citizens of the North Pole Party. Also, if you look at Orwell’s life story, you’ll see that he was originally the author of this poem, only to have Santa turn it from satire to a popular Christmas chant.
“All throughout 1984, Big Brother’s identity and that of Santa Claus are completely interchangeable. I’m not saying that George Orwell was writing against Santa Claus and not Communism, but that Orwell wrote against both. Take the novel’s ending, for example. With a few modified adjectives—which Orwell did indeed authorize and state as one of his intentions in his personal diary—the final paragraph of 1984 shows us a picture of trust that only Santa could call idyllic—a wave of ardent love not only over the children, but over the adults for the man in the red hat:
He gazed up at the enormous face. Forty years it had taken him to learn what kind of smile was hidden beneath the red fluffy hat. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! Two eggnog-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Santa Claus.
“I know I’ve just recently been promoted to the position of the head of the CIA, but I also can’t ignore the evidence,” Ryan said. “Who else could Orwell be talking about? The more you read the book, the more you realize that all the talk about Big Brother’s mustache and Victory Gin are simply veiled insults at Santa—veiled for the sake of the book’s chances of publication. Parents wouldn’t want their high schoolers reading a novel disproving Santa’s goody-two-shoes existences, no matter how classic that novel is. So Orwell decided to do two things at once by attacking the upcoming Communist future and the terrorizing manipulation of Santa Claus by standing for true Americanism. Really, if you put two and two together—they make four, by the way—you can’t deny the true object of Orwell’s timeless message.”
So throw all your nuclear bombs and missiles to the skies tonight, all you citizens of America. Call up the militia. Do anything to dethrone the mysterious man in the sky—before RTP (Rudolph’s Thought Police) catches you. The nation salutes your noble efforts.
December 24, 2018